My whole life had been building up to one point and now it's gone. Graduation. Not to seem like any other average teenager, but when I was little, my parents asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I would tell them about how I wanted to go to college. That has been my goal since the age of four. I can't tell you how many times, growing up all I dreamed about was walking the stage of my high school graduation. I was the first person in my family to have done that. I applied for college, maybe a month and a half before graduation and was accepted to the University of West Florida. I have so much to look forward to, but all I have been doing is stressing out over the most insignificant things like; what do my friends think of the person I have become, will I be able to handle being seven hours away from my best friends, will my parents be able to handle being away from me, what does Andy think of the person I have become, and etc. I'm not going to lie, during high school I did a complete 180. I use to not care what other people thought. I use to be very introverted, hiding any emotion other than happiness. I use to be severely depressed. I use to feel good about my appearance. I went from failing every class to getting mostly A's. Now I tell people how I feel about situation and themselves very bluntly. I'm not so much depressed anymore, but bitter. I feel horrible about the way I look. It's no joke; I was hit with the ugly stick. I have two jobs now to support myself, and so I don't have to think of all the stress that's been piling up. I wanted to live a care free summer and go off to college and now I am working forty to sixty hours a week. It brings up the question "Am I happy with who I have become?" The honest answer is, no. I hate being bitter all the time, and it reminds me of my mother. I hate my body. I hate actually caring about what people think. I hate the fake friendships. I hate how I can't stand one of my best friends half of the time. Is it sad that I can't wait till I don't run into half of the people I went to school with on a regular basis? I don't want to see them and have five minute conversations about absolutely nothing because we weren't really friends. I find that so fake. I can't stand having to act fake and put on a smile when I see them while I am at work. At least when I go to college it's somewhat of a new start. I can't wait till this moment of transition is over. Although if possible I would have completely redone my high school experience. I would have aced the classes the first time taking them. I would have done more volunteer work. I would have saved more money instead of going to all the concerts and going out. It was really a waste for saying all of that about redoing all of my high school years, because I can't go back and redo it. It happened. The only thing I regret is that I didn't try my hardest. I wasn't as strong as I could have been, but all of that has made me who I am today. I mean, don't get me wrong , there's a lot that I don't like about myself, but at least now I am stronger and I pulled myself together in time. I think people think that I have this all figured out, I mean I sure have myself composed most of the time. It will all come together eventually.

meh. sleep...
[link]

I'm not going to set myself up for failure this time around.

some things about me
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x, I want to redye it to my natural color... or bright red] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[I need them/will have them soon] I have/I've had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercing.
[ ] I have piercing in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[x] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[x] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll withitin the last 2 years.
[hahaha actually no.] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job.
[ ] I've been fired.

Embarrassment
[x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment
[ ] I've gotten stitches/staples.
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
[ ] I've had measles.

Traveling
[ ] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[x, I use to live there.] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[ ] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[hellsss no!] I've been skydiving.
[x] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Skiing.
[x] I've been in a play.
[ ] I've met someone in person from myspace.
[ ] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern lights.
[ ] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[i think...] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[ ] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[ ] I'm single.
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumped more than the dumper.
[X] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[ ] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[x] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[x - ish. I punched Ronnie.] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Drugs/Alcohol
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] I've smoked weed.
[x] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I've woken up crying.


Death and Suicide
[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[ ] I've seen someone dying.
[ ] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[ ] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[x] I've planned my own suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[x] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[love it though...] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[x] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Random
[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[ ] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[x] I am a morning person.
[x, I paid for two out of the 230 that I have.] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[x] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I love being neat.
[ ] I love Spam
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[x] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, red or blue.
[ ] I've worn pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[ ] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[x] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names.
[x] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.



Boyfriend

BF

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Amazing Artists
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It is finally setting in that I am a senoir. It feels pretty great. I mean my frechman year I definantally had spirt... Then with everything that happened my sophomore year I was drained. It was so amazing sitting in the senior meeting today and hearing that we'll be graduating on May 23. Which is 261 days, 6 hours, and 54 minutes away. I have been busting my ass to pull up my gpa and it's finally paying off. I found out that it is Mrs. Scarborough's last year of being the class sponser and she said she wanted to go out in style. This years Homecoming and Prom will be at the Radissan and Holiday Inn on Cocoa Beach. That's so much better to where it was at last year. It's so weird, I'm glad I'm taking French this year, because I have classes on the campus. It's so great to see all the people I haven't seen in a long time, but at the same time I don't like the cheap talk. I can't wait till the pep rally. I can't wait till spirit week. This is so odd for me. This year is finally looking better, I have a job. my gpa keeps going up, and I am becoming who I want to be.

Love,
Ashly


Boyfriend

BF

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A few days ago my friends and I went to the Brevard Art Museum. We encountered the Post Secret exhibit. It was so surreal to read all of the secrets. I mean you harvest a secret inside for so long that it starts to hurt. To see that people are letting their guard down(or trying to) is simply amazing. I left the exhibit with nothing to say. I was drowning in my thoughts. It was overwhelming reading other peoples secrets and realizing that me and you are not so different. I mean their were some postcards that just made me laugh, some that made me go *ZOMG*, and some that made me start fighting the tears. One particular postcard hit me hard; it said, "I can picture us one day when were in our 80's, after our spouses have died meeting on a talk show and getting married." I read that and I was in shock, because that means that, that person is with their spouse but they have feelings for someone else. I then went to the other side and it said, "I feel bad because I love my husband, but you were the love of my life." At least that was the gist of the postcard. It took a few seconds to put the whole postcard together, completing the the secret; but what set me off and made me start balling my eyes out was the picture of Simba in the top left side of the postcard. I automatically thought of Andy. I walked away and collected myself; I couldn't bare to have anyone else see me cry. I've never told anyone else that before... I hate crying around other people and I hate other people hearing me cry. It makes me feel so weak, so fragile. Consider yourself lucky if you have, it means I've let my guard down around you. The postcard has stayed with me since then, it's like it's eating at my thoughts, devouring them one by one. After thinking about it so long and moving the thoughts around I've concluded: If something ever happened between me and Andy, say... he went away to college and mysteriously disappeared, I could totally see myself getting back together with him later on in life. He was/is my first true love. I have thought about this non stop since then. On the way home, I had Tracey stop at the post office so I could get some stamps. After experiencing the exhibit I knew it was time to unleash my secrets onto the world. I came home and pulled out my arts and crafts supplies and got to work. It was like the scene in Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain when Amélie took her neighbors old love letters, photo copied them, and made a new love letter that was never delivered because of a plane crash in the mountains. I got right to work. In the midst of unleashing my secrets to the world, my mom came home and asked me what I was doing. I don't lie to her that often so I told her the truth. I was giving wings to my secrets and getting them off my shoulders. I told her about "the" postcard. My mom automatically said, "Maybe it's from the future" and she laughed. Right then the postcards roots in my head got even stronger. I think about the future way too much to have not already thought about it before. I was sitting there gawking at Tracey making sure she wasn't reading my secrets, It hurt getting them out just as much as it did keeping them in. Tracey later decided to keep them by scanning them and photo shopping it so that you can't read it. I couldn't do that, I had to get mine out right away and drop it in the outgoing mailbox at the post office. I couldn't let it linger anymore. They're gone. No return address. Gone. It was definitely an emotional experience that I needed. I needed to let go and I did.

I think that postcard will stay rooted in my head for some time to come. It made me think of what was to come, what has happened, and now. It made me think of how I feel in my relationship with Andy. It makes me wonder. What's next?



~she was always the one.
i'll repeat it again,
the one.
no such thing as too young.
red lights flash in a car we're kissing.
call me crazy, i've always tried to remind her.
that the future,
just a few heartbeats away
from disaster.
i'm afraid,
that i've thrown it all away.
no, at the top of our lungs.
there's no, no such thing as too young.
second chances won't leave you alone.
won't leave you alone...
well repeat it again theres no, no such thing as too young.
second chances won't leave you alone.
cause there's faith in love..
if you kiss me goodnight,
i'll know everything is alright.~


I love you.
Ashly LaDawn


Boyfriend

BF

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